Chances are you have a number in mind as your ideal weight. And chances are you've spent much of your life torturing yourself over this number... trying to keep this number, trying to get to this number or perhaps dreaming about this number. The cherry on top is the pants size that you're dragging around with your fantasy weight. Most likely, none of this has anything to do with your actual physical health.
The origin of these numbers varies from your adolescent high school body to a number you once saw on a chart in your doctor's office, all the way to just being a number you believe will make you feel good about yourself. For me, it's been the requirements to model. While I can be shy (aka awkward) in 1 on 1 conversations, I've always enjoyed being in front of the camera. So, I dreamed of one day modeling- until I understood the physical requirements to model.
Around 7th grade I remember writing down both the height and weight parameters for being a runway model: 5'9"-5'11" and 125-140 lbs. Plus size was the same height but 145-160lbs. Whelp, I was 5'1" and 181lbs. Every teen (and adult) magazine at the time reinforced these standards. So began the journey to self loathing and chronic dieting. Maybe your story is similar or maybe it's completely different, but chances are that somewhere along the line, you received messages about what weight was acceptable for your body. And chances are, you still value that number more than you value the natural attributes of your one-of-a-kind body.
Ironically, I have been my coveted number and hated the way I looked. I was too skinny for my liking! And it didn't change how I felt about myself all in all. I had spent so many years picking myself apart that I could easily still see flaws even when I was thin. "I'm still not tall enough to model". "Ugh, why is my torso so short?" "I have saggy skin." "Look at these disgusting stretch marks." "Why are my thighs so big and my calves so small?" "My feet are too big..." Friends I could go on forever. So, since I was "that number" and still hated myself, I took the next logical step and had a breast augmentation and mini tummy tuck. All better, right?! Right?! Nope. I quickly found allllll kinds of imperfections there.
It was after my cosmetic surgery that I finally realized that I had to do some healing. So I began looking within myself to figure out the root of all this obsession with my body. I redefined my vision for my body and my life. I decided that what I, Kellie, really valued was physical fitness. I wanted to be able to keep up with my kids and enjoy being physically active. Focusing on my physical health led me to working on my mental health which has led me to my current focus of spiritual health.
Here's what I've found: when you understand who you really are, what you value and then align yourself with these truths, you won't give a flying f$*k how much you weigh. You'll be far more focused on how you feel and if you're living with integrity. You'll understand that you are not your body, but you need a healthy body to live a full life. You'll understand that it's ok to desire a certain body composition, but that your worth has nothing to do with the shape of your body. And lastly, when you truly understand your worth, taking time to focus on your health every.single.day. will become intuitive.
Thanks for reading,
There's a song for that: "Scars to your beautiful", Alessia Cara