I'm so happy to say that I'm in the "vortex". If you know what this means then you're likely an Abraham Hicks follower. If not, it's simply a woo-woo way of saying "things are going great" for me. I feel fulfilled, I'm living authentically, opportunities are coming my way and I'm generally just excited about life!
Most recently I was presented with an opportunity that I've been dreaming of since I wrote a report on modeling in 7th grade: the chance to model for a globally recognized clothing brand!!! An acquaintance recommended me to her friend who works for a production company and boom, suddenly I'm sending in headshots of myself and 3 kids. I wasn't even sure we would get cast, but the idea that it was a possibility was cool enough. Amazingly, my son, Paxton, and I were chosen and completed the shoot a few weeks ago.
I can't even begin to explain how emotional I was leading up to the shoot. In 7th grade and 12 years old, I was 5'1" and 179lbs. None of this bothered me until I set my heart on becoming a professional model. The research I did for my report affirmed that I was too short and far too overweight. I understood that I couldn't make myself grow taller, but I could lose weight. I started tracking my weight around this time and until just a few years back held myself to the standard of a runway model. I have starved, binged/purged, taken diet pills, tried many fad diets and over-exercised just trying to achieve something my body physically cannot. Finally, 3 years ago I underwent a "mommy makeover" to augment my breasts and remove the saggy skin on my lower abdomen from carrying 3 big babies.
That was the last straw. I came out of that experience with a new obsession over my surgery scars. And I'd always hated my stretch marks so I refocused on them as proof of my unworthiness. My skin still sags on my stomach... turns out damaged skin, is damaged skin. All of this taught me that nothing I did to my body would make me feel happy or fulfilled, so I started looking within. I reconnected with my dreams, evaluated my relationships, got a therapist and just started living more boldly in general. When I did this, I started to care less about who was staring back at me in the mirror and more about how I felt.
I'm nowhere near perfect and I still have moments of doubt, but in general, I understand that my worth is not tied to my physical. Instead, I'm focused on stepping into my purpose and doing my part to make our world a better place. Ironically, detaching from my "image" has aligned me with the people, opportunities and even the body pre-teen Kellie dreamed of.
The photoshoot has led me to believe in "divine timing". The older I get, the more confident and self aware I become. My life experiences have strengthened me so that I can enjoy modeling for the art form that it is and not worry about what popular culture (or anyone for that matter) has to say about bodies like mine...brown, scarred, stretched AND strong.
Trust yourself. Trust the universe. Trust the process. Maybe your dreams haven't come true YET, but if you work on yourself and stop the self sabotaging behavior, your time will come.
There's more to this modeling story...I'll save that for Part II :)
Thanks for reading,
There's a song for that: "I don't wanna be you anymore", Billie Ellish