I've worked hard, like really hard to thrive over the last year. I'm arrogant (foolish, optimistic) enough to strive for greatness always. Like head above water, generally pleasant to be around and bathing regularly isn't good enough for me. So, when quarantine began, I dialed in on my self care, stopped trying to control everything (at least tried, am trying) and made sure to exercise daily. And this worked for a while. I was thriving. Now, 11 months into physically distanced life, I am ready to admit that I'm just surviving.
I'm tired because my anxiety doesn't allow me to sleep well. I love my children but I'm sick of being cooped up in my house with them and constantly playing referee. I'm sick of trying to facilitate Distance Learning that requires far too much screen time and of my time. I'm bone tired from the constant displays of racism, nationalism and pure hatred. I'm sick of seeing people in public spaces not wearing masks or better yet wearing them as "chin diapers". I'm sick of picking up the same messes all day every day because I don't leave my house enough. I'm sick of stressing over whether it's safe to do this or that.
Even as I write all of this I have to laugh at myself because my problems really are so minimal. And I feel a bit better just whining some because it reminds me how blessed I am! I'm healthy and so is my family. I'm financially secure and my business continues to grow. My kids are able to walk down to the ice skating rink every day to skate with friends (masked of course). I have an incredible support system who listens to me while I perseverate over the same.damn.things. I have an arsenal of coping skills that help me breathe through the tough times. Frankly, I could go on and on about all of my blessings and this is what sustains me.
But...
Normally, focusing on my blessings allows me to thrive, not just survive or be "ok". The truth is, life is just heavy right now. No matter how hard I focus on all of the good, I feel like I'm trying to outrun a storm cloud. Or I keep getting knocked on my face and then jump up and proclaim "I'm Ok!" And for once in my life, I'm going to accept it as my truth instead of numbing it with food, alcohol, gossip, tv or cigarettes. I'm going to keep leaning on my self care routine to keep pressing forward, even if it's at a snails pace. Sometimes I'm going to just sit in the discomfort and know that in this time of my life, it's ok to not be 100. I will, I'll continue to take good care of myself, my family and my clients, but I accept that I'm not the best version of me.
And really and truly, "I'm OK!"
Thank you for reading,
Kellie
There's a song for that: "You are Strong Enough" -Fearless Motivation
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