I'm ain't perfect. Like not even close. I yell too much. I have anxiety that keeps me from sleeping and causes me to perseverate over dumb shit. I stutter and mumble because my brain is working so fast that my mouth can't keep up. I can be bossy and rarely miss an opportunity to share what I know. I'm guarded and sometimes judgy. Some of these "character flaws" though imperfect, have actually been. assets at various times in my life. And so I accept them while continuously working to do, be, and think better.
I've got incredibly high (maybe unattainably high) standards for myself and those around me. Some may say I'm "a lot". I used to shrink away from this "criticism" and feel insecure while also desperately trying to fit in. But now, I fully embrace my alotness and refuse to tone it down for anyone. My alotness is really an eagerness to grow and learn. You know like a 4 year old that won't stop asking questions?!? This trait has been a major asset 80% of the time. The other 20% it results in stressing over "why can't I just chill and chit chat...why'd I have to start analyzing..." It's just how I roll people. I want to know everything.
I spent too much of my life trapped in my head thinking about what everyone else thought of me and making sure to live up to other's expectations for me; really what I thought were their expectations for me. Half the time people aren't even thinking about what we're doing 'cause they're too damn busy worrying about their own insecurities. So, while I was over here trying to do perfect it was all in vain, SMH.
We're taught from a young age to look to others---our family/our community/our school/our team/our boss. We're taught to "fall in line" and mimic social standards with perfection. We're punished socially when we don't. Rarely does anyone ever say you should do what makes you feel good. Most people end up miserable and lacking a sense of self for this very reason. Then, if or when you have an awakening, it's easy to wander into narcissistic territory to salvage yourself. (Hiiiiiii).
I believe that this is where spirituality and self awareness becomes incredibly important. It's not about doing for yourself, it's about being yourself. When you become aware of who you are, and what your purpose is, then you can live as the fullest expression of yourself. THEN you can set high standards for the purpose of sharing your talents and gifts with the world.
This is where I'm at. I'm working on creating better habits and relationships so that I can live out my purpose (to teach). It might seem selfish or too "intense" for some, but it's what's required. I'm committed to working on myself and my goals so that I can be the best version of me. I'm not striving for or claiming perfectionism, I'm seeking alignment with who I want to be and who I actually am. It requires that I don't numb out or run away from my problems, but instead really sit with myself. It requires that I listen better to others. It requires that I educate myself on health, wealth and spirituality. It requires me to take care of myself physically through diet, exercise and sleep. It requires me to abstain from alcohol for mental clarity.
This path I'm on isn't always fun and it's messy a lot of the time. But it's supposed to be. I'm determined to be a beautiful hot mess and just get a little better every day. You don't have to have all the answers about how, why or where you're going, you just have to start. Don't let perfectionism hold you back any longer. (BTW it's really just a mask for fear of failure.) And my friend, you have to fail to learn. You have to learn to choose change. So, maybe lower the bar for today to get started, and then slowly raise it every day until you're no longer comfortable unless you're striving to be better.
We aren't meant to be perfect, we're meant to have purpose.
MOVE.CONNECT.LEARN.
Thank you for reading,
Kellie
There's a Song For That: "Treat Myself", Meghan Trainor
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