Do you ever feel like you take on too much?! I'm constantly doing this and it never ends well. To the world, I'm like that circus guy balancing spinning plates effortlessly on thin dowels, smiling at the crowd as I dazzle them with my freakish talent. Until I'm not. Suddenly, I'm that guy who hasn't really practiced enough before performing in front of a crowd...plates are spinning out of control, crashing to the ground and shooting across the room like flying saucers.
Right now is one of those times. A plate just came crashing down and took my ego with it. I thought that I was "hustling", but really I was just doing what I usually do during tough times: staying busy to escape my problems. I know, like really know, that I do this so, it's crazy to me that I didn't see it happening. But, while I'm upset that I had to smash some china to take a moment, I'm excited to react differently this time. Normally I beat myself up and wonder why I can't do it all?! I diminish my leadership qualities and often self sabotage a goal I'm working on. Not this time. I just can't. I've worked too hard on myself to get to where I am to punish myself. This time I'm going to accept that I'm human. I'm going to accept that I have had a challenging year and have done the best I can to cope. I'm going to celebrate my ambition that sometimes gets me in over my head. AND, most importantly, I'm going to take a good look at all of the things I have going on and reprioritize!!!
How often do you take the time to assess your commitments, habits and relationships? I'll be honest, I rarely did this for most of my life. I had a very loose idea of where I was headed, who I was and who was on the journey with me. I just kinda assumed everything would work itself out. Fun fact: it didn't. So, now as I've gotten clear on my goals, I consistently examine how what I do and who I spend my time with contributes to my successes or failures. The problem I have is that I wait until I crash and burn to take action.
And what I'm realizing is that it's a form of punishment.
I've struggled my whole life with feelings of unworthiness which I've spoken around in other blogs. It's only recently that I've been able to name and begin to discredit this belief. In doing so I see all of these behavior patterns that I developed over the years to reaffirm that I wasn't worthy. This whole "flying saucers" routine is a major one. After I failed so to speak, I would shrink back and tell myself "see, you can't do it." Brutal. It hurts to think of all the ways that I've held myself back, but at the same time, it's led me to where I am right now. And I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Every experience I've had, good and bad has strengthened me, I just didn't always know it. This time is no different. I'm learning that it's time to trust myself and honor the goals I have for myself and my family. So one plate crashed down; I'm going to write it off as a casualty. But these other plates I have spinning out of control?! I'm simply going to choose to set a few down before things get real ugly. Theennnnnn I can focus all of my energy on the few plates I have left.
Thank you for reading,
There's a song for that: "You Learn", Alanis Morissette