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I used to spend all of my time beating myself up for all that I wasn't. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I actually wanted for myself or my family. I constantly compared myself to my peers and spent much of my time gossiping about and judging others to justify my behavior. I watched too much TV, had nightly drinks, smoked, and overate to numb how I was feeling about myself. I had tried everything from fad diets to taking diet pills, to literally starving myself and wasn't getting any results. When I was feeling loathing toward my body I would take up jogging even though I don't enjoy it. Every step was miserable and I would use it against myself. "See, you're out of shape." Instead of just giving myself the space to not like running. I wasn't worried about my health or how I felt, I just wanted to be thin. In my mind, thin people dieted and jogged... I was constantly feeling frustrated, inadequate, insecure, and hopeless. I was resentful of others and felt stuck in a life that I hated. I blamed others for my circumstances or how I felt. I didn't know that I was keeping myself stuck.